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From the Diary of Great Uncle Melville: A Beginning to His Travels

Our good colleague andyfied is not the only member of his family to be a seasoned travelist. He has found and transcribed some of the letters and journals of his Great Uncle Melville. Many of these papers are in a poor state and most of the dates on them seem to be obscured by blood, but here is one of the more complete ones:

I was at The Club that James had got me to join a few weeks back, when he suddenly pointed out an old gent sitting in one of those old high backed chairs. Another chap wandered up to him with a large brandy and gave it to him as he fumbled with a walking stick.

“Who’s that grizzled chap at the back?” I asked James

“Hmm? Oh, don’t know his name, everyone just calls him GT. Amazing fellow, been all over the place. He’s quite the legend around here.”

James wandered off to talk to one of his army cronies so I decided to say hullo to GT.

“Sir, allow me to introduce myself. My name is…”

That’s when I received a ringing thump to the head.

“Impudent boy! Don’t assume I’m one of those elderly men that tells tall tales in gentleman’s clubs! I’m the real thing. Now I need you to come with me to South China. A witch has m’umbrella.”

“Well I…” *thump*

“No, not a ‘mystic woman’, I mean a batty old broad I had to cheese it from. Left m’umbrella behind. She did live up a mountain, but not in a bally cave, boy! Proper house. We leave ‘tall tales’ to thems that haven’t been further than Battersea.”

“What do…” *thump*

“Well don’t stand there gawping boy, y’need to get some togs together. We leave in the morning. Pack them loose and messy, I’ve some books I need to smuggle into the country.”

Little did I know that this single event with this singular distinguished gent was to lead to my marriage to a young gecko of questionable morals. I will recant this debarcale at great length once I am released from this makeshift cage GT had me make. I think I am to be bait for something…


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